Dear Hulk 

I got this buddy, see. we been pals a long time. We got history, ya know? I kill his parents, he drops me in a vat of chemicals... the usual. So anyway lately the magic just seems gone. I cant get him to pay attention to me, no matter how many sidekicks I beat to death with a crowbar, or how many innocent citizens I poison with gas. He just seems so distant and brooding. How can we reignite the magic?

Laughably yours,

J.

Relationships are tough.  Hulk now how it can be.  Have you tried humor to rekindle the magic?  Hulk and Betty having dinner the other night, and Betty not happy with Hulk for something Hulk can’t really remember doing, and she say “I just don’t know how I’m going to get the stains out of the carpet.” And Hulk say, “Hulk not know what you’re talking about.  All Hulk remember is sitting down to watch American Idol with popcorn and vodka-mescaline smoothie, and then the American Idols coming out of the TV and trying to climb down Hulk’s throat!  Hulk have to fight the Puny American Idols, but they gooey like they made out of Coolwhip, and Hulk rolling around trying to stick fingers town throat, and they not fit because Hulk’s fingers so huge, and finally Hulk grab the Coolwhip Idols, and then suddenly they all rushing back up Hulk’s throat and then Hulk feel better and take a nap.”  And Betty just sigh, and look sad.  So Hulk say, “This good chicken, Betty… can Hulk have another breast?”  And She say, “No Hulk.  There is no more breast.”  And Hulk say, “What?  Hulk see two right there!  Honk! Honk!’  And she say, “Argh!  Hulk!  Don’t grab my boobs like that!  Jesus, you know how I bruise!  At work they think you beat the crap out of me or something, and they sure as hell don’t believe I keep accidentally walking into walls or falling down stairs!  You need to be gentle with me!  I’m Betty, I’m not invulnerable like Hulk!”  And Hulk say, “See!  You feeling better already!  You get color in your cheeks again!  Hulk knew funny Hulk joke make Betty feel better.”  And She say, “Hulk, that’s the same joke you make every time we have chicken.  Jesus fuck, it’s the same joke you make when we have roast beef or pizza or macaroni and cheese!  Come one and get dressed, we have to be at Mom’s Oscar Party in an hour.” 

Hulk totally forget mother-in-laws Oscar party!  Hulk not like Hulk’s in-laws… they always saying things behind Hulk’s back, and father-in-law always trying to kill hulk!  Thunderbolt Ross tried to blow up Hulk with tiny fusion bomb hidden in the fruitcake last Christmas!  And Betty’s Bitch Sister always telling Betty to leave Hulk and get with a new man!  Hulk SMASH INLAWS!   Hulk say, “Oh… Hulk have a tummy ache… Hulk not want Betty to miss Oscar Party and Chex Mix and Stinky Cheese… Oh… Hulk manage by Hulkself, Hulk be brave, but Betty nor miss party…”  And She say, “Oh no, Hulk- you’re not going to get out of this one.  You skipped my parents’ last wedding anniversary party because you said you had diarrhea from eating a quesadilla you found in a dumpster, and you skipped my ten-year high school reunion because you said your gamma radiation buildup was going to make you explode.  You ARE NOT going to skip this tonight- Mom said she was looking forward to seeing us.”  And Hulk say, “Did she say “US” or did she say, “YOU”?”  And Betty say, “Well… she said “YOU” but she meant “US.”  She asked about you too.”  And Hulk say, “What she say.  Exactly?”  And Betty say, “Well… I forget…”  And Hulk say, “No!  that not work when Hulk try it, and it not work when Betty try it!  What your Mom say about Hulk?”  And Betty say, “Well… she said ‘I suppose you’re bringing that big awful green thing again this year, hmmmm?’” And Hulk say, “And what you say about that?  You defend Hulk?”  And Betty say, “Ah… yeah… of course...  Betty smash Mom good.”  And Hulk say, “Betty is Best Wife There Is.”  And Betty Blush!

So Hulk put on fresh pair of stretchy purple pants, and Betty say, “Hulk, can you wear a shirt tonight?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not change who Hulk is!  Hulk is Shirtless!  Hulk is Shirtless and Green!”  And Betty say, “There will be guacamole Hulk… you know how much I hate it when you eat guacamole.  You dribble it all down your chest, and it blends in and you can’t see it to wipe it off, and then you get it all over the bed when you sleep.  Just put this shirt on.”  And Hulk say, “But shirt have buttons!  Hulk wear favorite comic book shirt instead!”  And Betty say, “Hulk!  Ah fine.  Here- your Shazam shirt is clean.” And Hulk say, “Hulk know the rule about this!  Hulk not wear a shirt with thunderbolt on it because Hulk going to visit man named Thunderbolt!  That like wearing shirt of band when you go see band play!  Hulk totally look like ass after he do that at Whitesnake reunion show!  Hulk totally rockin out, and singing along:

Dear Hulk:

My mom is a ninja ex-assassin with a wet spot for the color red and a thing for bad boys. My dad is a bad boy who's the best at what he does, but that's not very nice. I inherited her acrobatics and his attitude and as you can imagine, my home life isn't what you'd call normal. Add my godmother's psychic claws to the mix and, well, I tend to break stuff a lot.
So I found out that there's this kid who I think knows why my dad carries all this guilt around about his past, but every time I try to get answers from him we end up destroying entire city blocks. Dad and mom then have to pay the damages, and I get grounded.
They've been fighting a lot lately, and when they fight there's bruises involved.
I got kicked out of school for putting the principal in traction and trashed the whole administrative office suite when he tried to...well, there's a place for that kind of talk and it ain't here.
Plus, thanks to my dad I can't EVER have a good damned hair day.
Why can't I just be a normal girl?

Yours, Rina Logan, aka Wild Thing.

Argh!  Hulk totally confused!  Your origin story make no sense!  Hulk can understand why you so confused!  But Hulk think you a good kid, and you deal with you anger in healthy ways.  Hulk think anytime you keep anger all bottled up inside, you end up like Puny Banner- just a whiney little bitch.  Nothing better than safe, healthy way to vent anger and aggression, and Hulk find city block and school principles a good place to look for some venting.  This one time Hulk working with Dr. Strange in his Secret Defenders team, and he say to Hulk, “By Horgoth’s Hairy He-sack!  Look at the mess you’ve made!”  And Hulk say, “Murgh… these chips not for Hulk?”  And Dr. Strange say, “Mergoth’s Mightly Man-tits!  No!  These were for the party, remember?  You were helping me decorate!  That is why I called in the Secret Defenders in the first place!  The Silver Surfer was patrolling the spaceways, and Spiderman is dealing with The Rhino, and Dr Druid is pouting about how much he sucks compared to me.  You were the only one on the roster free!  And now look!  The decorations are ruined!  The chips are all eaten!  And by the Fiery Farts of Fartoom the Felcher!  What have you done to my record collection!”  And Hulk say, “Records?  Crunch…you mean these…crunch…big flat…crunch…chips?  Hulk not like these at all.  They taste like tires.  They taste like tires used to cut doughnuts on street made from shit.  Hulk think guy who can afford rent on Bleeker Street can get better party food than this.”  And he say, “No!  That was my Barry White collection!  Argh!  That was William Shatner’s first album!  Curses!  All my Barry Manilow!  Hulk, by the Cavernous Cootch of Clairovallo!  You shall pay for destroying my precious vinyl and stuffing all the crumbs down into my new leather sofa!”  And Hulk say, “What, you going to use your magic on Hulk?  Hulk not too worried- it been a while since you had your own title, and Hulk pretty sure Hulk more popular.  Average comic reader identify with Hulk better than Puny Strange!  So go ahead!  May Hulk Pay!”  And Strange say, “Oh!  Fine!  I will!  You’ll get a bill in the mail!  Those records would have gone for hundreds of bucks on Ebay, and the Dread Dormamuu himself once offered me the tortured souls of a Thousand Theresian Talkshow Hosts for my signed original Superfly soundtrack!”  And Hulk say, “Oh fine!  Hulk not want to hang out at Puny Strange’s stupid party anyway!  Hulk got better things to do!”  And Puny Strange say, “Yeah, like get a job!  You owe me!  Big time!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not work for you!  Hulk not work for anyone!  Hulk keep up the house, and Betty work!  Hulk is Stay At Home Hulk!  Hulk proud and not at all threatened by it!”  And Puny Strange say, “Wong!  Show this… man… out!”  And Wong say, “What am I?  You’re little bitch?  I know kung fu!  How is it some white dude trains in the mystical Eastern magical arts, and I’m stuck cleaning up after your lame-ass tantric sex parties, and showing people the door?  I should have the mystical powers and shit.  At least I’m actually Asian!”  And Puny Strange say, “Not this again!  It is your birthright to serve the Sorcerer Supreme, and that happens to be me.  Would you prefer to work for Barron Mordo?  I could arrange an interview? Hmmmmm?”  And Wong say, “Sigh.  No… master.  The Barron has some funny ideas about his servants’… duties.  And I don’t think he’d pay enough to for me to hop the fence.”  And Puny Strange say, “Well then by the Crooked Cock of Chadwelnier the Cuckold, vamoose this green lout!” 

Hulk walk out of Puny Brownstone and Hulk pretty pissed off.  Puny Strange treat Hulk with no respect!  He promise Hulk beer and chips if Hulk help decorate for party, and Strange not have any respect for Hulk because Hulk working class Joe, and not one of Puny Strange’s artsy fartsy Big City friends!  Puny Strange think he better than Hulk now, but Hulk remember him in college, always trying to get laid by saying shit like, “Yeah baby, I’m pre-med!  I can score any drug you like… yeah…hu-hugh…oh my, so sorry to see you go, but I love watching you… aw…go?  Hang on!”  Even Puny Banner thought he kinda a tool. So Hulk go looking for some healthy release from his anger and frustration.  Normally Hulk just SMASH something, and go looking for hookers, but this time Hulk just hungry.  All Puny Strange’s bad black chips made Hulk want good food, so Hulk look at mad and see Hell’s Kitchen.  Hulk think that sound good, so Hulk jump over there, and car break Hulk’s fall.  Hulk looking for place to eat, but locals not very friendly.  Hulk tab guy on shoulder and say, “Hey!  Shortstack!  Where Hulk get some grub?”  And Puny Man say, “Argh!  My shoulder!  You broke my shoulder!  My arm is dangling all limp and funny!  Oh it hurts!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not care about stupid arm!  Just tell Hulk were to get some food!  Hulk got Hulk’s own problems, and not care about arm!”  And man pass out!  Hulk about to toss him into wall to see if Hulk can get grant from MOMA to make abstract art, when out of nowhere this little stick fly out and hit Hulk in head!  It bounce right off Hulk’s head!  And then this guy in red suit fly down from fire escape and kick Hulk!  And then he punch Hulk!  And then he twist Hulk’s wrist and make to throw Hulk!  Hulk say, “You done yet?”  And Puny Man say, “The Blind Justice of Daredevil is never done!”  And Hulk say, “Oh!  That you Daredevil?  Hulk not recognize you- Hulk like yellow costume better.  Hulk always figured that made sure the bad guys could see you coming from mile off and so they would leave before you got there.”  And Daredevil say, “Is that you Hulk?  Sorry, my sonar-sense doesn’t pick up color, so I couldn’t see the green.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk also like eight feet tall and shit.  How you miss that?”  And Daredevil say, “Well…dude… I’m fucking blind, remember?”  And Hulk say, “Oh yeah!  Hulk see your movie!  Hulk not realize you crusading lawyer Ben Affleck!”  And Daredevil say, “Yeah- I got totally screwed on that deal.  They outed me big time.  But anyhow, I can’t let you come into the Kitchen and tear things up!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk just ask for place to get some grub, and Puny Man just scream about his arm!  How rude!”  And Daredevil say, “Regardless- either stop, or I’ll stop you!”  And Hulk say, “How you stop Hulk?  Hulk Strongest One There Is!  Hulk could rip Ultron’s arms off and shove them up his robotic poop-hole!  Hulk could throw baby kitty so hard it go right through buss full of school children!  Puny Daredevil’s power is that he is Super Blind!”  And Puny Daredevil say, “Hey, that isn’t even cool.  Cracking on the blindness is way over the line!”  And Hulk say, “What you going to do?  Hit Hulk with little stick?  Listen really really hard to Hulk?  Maybe you get your seeing eye dog to bite Hulk!  That be pretty funny!”  And Puny Daredevil say, “Alright!  You’re totally pissing me off now!”  And Hulk say, “Oh no!  Puny Daredevil gonna scrape at Hulk with brail version of New York phone book! Hulk say YAAAAAA!”  And Puny Daredevil say, “Argh!  Fuck dude!  I can hear a mouse fart at five hundred yards and tell you what direction he was facing!  Don’t scream like that!”  And Hulk say, “That some funny shit!  Hulk just go YAAAAAAAA! And Puny Daredevil fall down and squeal like sissy boy!”  And Puny Daredevil say, “Oh God, please stop yelling… it feels like you’re crushing my skull…”  And Hulk say, “That because Hulk am crushing your skull!”  And Puny Daredevil say, “Mutghmph…crackle.”

After talking to Daredevil, Hulk realize he feeling pretty good.  Hulk always finds it good to go out and see how those less fortunate that you are dealing with life, then make fun of them for it.  Making fun of those worse than Hulk makes Hulk feel good, and that makes everyone happier.  Mostly ‘everyone’ mean Hulk, but in the end, isn’t happy Hulk something everyone can get behind? 

Dear HULK

"We" loved your movie that came out awhile back. "we" were wondering if you could help "us" though. "We" are on a mission vengeance against the evil's of Spiderman, "our" enemy.
Due to our "Our" spawn Carnage, "we" have had to team up with Spiderman from time to time. "we" know, it was awful siding with him. "we" just want to break his bones, and suck the marrow out. Rip his chest apart and eat his hearts, lungs, and liver.
Recently though, "our" spawn Carnage, had his own spawn, which "we" named Toxin. He is a Cop. "we" failed to get him to side with "us" against Spiderman. He kick "our" butts and carnages' too.
Any advice on killing spider would help "us" out.
Thanks for listening,
Eddie Brock / Venom  

Hulk think this a pretty tough problem.  You use quotes all the time, and it confuse Hulk.  Hulk also pretty sure you spawned from, like, Puny Spiderman’s boogers or something.  You pretty much a product of early 90’s fanboy love for violent killer character, but Hulk can sympathize with your killing Puny Spiderman.  Hulk often try to kill Puny Spiderman, but Puny Spiderman protected from On High by most powerful force in universe- reader popularity.  Hulk say, “I SMASH you Puny Spiderman!  You see what your bowels look like when Hulk done with you!  Hulk remember time Puny Spiderman get cosmic powers and stupid costume and make Hulk look like chump!  Hulk never forget an insult”  And Puny Spiderman say, “What are you going to do?  I’ve got like seven books all to myself, and what have you got?  One?  Ass.”  And Hulk say, “You not call Hulk ass!  Hulk is Strongest One there Is, and Very Sensitive About Being Called Names!  You think because you got fancy degree and real costume you can insult Hulk?  You college boys all the same!  You think you better than Working Class Joe like Hulk!  Hulk go to give talk at Yale and they say to Hulk, ‘You not invited to Yale!  Why you here?’ and Hulk say, ‘Hulk here to give graduation address!’ and they say, ‘Graduation was last week!  And we invited She-Hulk, not Hulk!’ And Hulk say, ‘Hulk pretty sure Hulk get invitation!’  And they say, ‘Hulk most certainly did not!’  And Hulk say, ‘What if Hulk donated library wing?’  And They say, ‘Well, Mr. Hulk, we would be honored to have you as a guest speaker!’ So Hulk went to Harvard and pick up library wing and bring it to Yale and say, ‘Here your wing!  Hulk make speech now!  Hulk been practicing!’ and they say, “Oh No!  That a building from Harvard isn’t it?  Oh, things will be a might uncomfortable at the club tonight.’  And Hulk say, ‘Hulk speak about importance of being leaders in new economy of ideas to help achieve channels of open communication in globalized modern world via leadership!  Hulk have no idea what it mean, but Hulk broke Puny Allan Greenspan’s arm and took his speech!  Hulk think Greenspan might be Puny but he have great name, and he write great speech!  Where you want Hulk to put this library?’  But they run away while Hulk reading speech!’  And Puny Spiderman say, “Are you done?  I’ve been standing here for like five minutes while you had a conversation with your imaginary friends.  Are we going to fight, or what?” And Hulk say, “Why Puny Spiderman want to fight with Hulk?  Hulk just wanted to visit Big Apple and get a Slice and see Cats.”  And Puny Spiderman say, “Cats closed.  Ass.”  And Hulk say, “No!  Cats not close!  Cats is Best Musical There Is!  It about Cats!  CATS!  Everyone likes singing cats!”  And Puny Spiderman say, “Yeah…  look dude, if we aren’t going to fight or anything, I’m going to go get a Latte.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk want Latte!  But they tell Hulk he not allowed in Starbucks anymore because he skink up bathroom and yell abuse at other patrons.”  And Puny Spiderman say, “No worries Dude, there are about a thousand Starbucks in New York.”

Hulk decide to SMASH Puny Spiderman latter, and order a Latte.  Hulk figure there are few problems in the world that can’t be solved with nice steaming hot cup of latte, but Hulk watch news and see all kind of trouble in the word.  Hulk say to Betty- “Betty, why the Palestinians and Israelis not get along?”  And Betty say, “Err… it’s complicated Hulk.  They just don’t like each other for all kinds of reasons- some of them thousands of years old.”  And Hulk say, “Things that old are never good!  Hulk was fighting Scarlet Scarab this one time in a museum and Hulk get knocked through mummy exhibit, and Hulk think ‘hey, this mummy looks like a kitty!’ and then Hulk think, ‘Hulk knida hungry.’  And then Hulk think ‘kitty look pretty tasty…’ But it not tasty!  It dried up and nasty- like trying to eat old man’s ass!”  And Betty say, “Well, this is… Hulk, did you really eat a three thousand year old cat mummy?”  And Hulk say, “Yeah.  It hard to finish, but Hulk clean his plate like a Big Boy!”  And Betty say, “I… I think I remember that.  I was pretty loaded, but you came in all dusty and gave me a kiss and I asked what you had been eating, and you said ‘nuffin’ and then we had sex, right?”  And Hulk say, “How the hell Hulk supposed to remember?  Hulk barely keep track of questions people write to Blog.”  And She say, “Yeah… and I kept getting these nasty hairs stuck in my teeth!  Ew, Hulk!  That is some fowl shit right there!”  And Hulk say, “Betty not complain about Hulk eating mummy pussy while Hulk eating Betty’s Pu…”  And She say, “HULK!  Enough!  This conversation is grossing me out!  Why don’t you go ask someone else about the Israel/Palestine conflict!”  And Hulk say, “OK!”

Hulk go off to find someone who knows about politics, and meets Capn’Merica for beers.   Hulk say, “Hulk not understand what up with Israel and Palestine.  Why they kill each other all the time for moldy old kitty mummy?  Hulk pretty sure it taste terrible, and nor worth fighting for at all.”  And Capn’Merica say, “Ah… OK, I have no idea what you’re talking about with the ‘kitty mummy’ bit, but I can certainly explain the realities of 21^st century Geopolitics, what with me being a US indoctrinated super-soldier frozen in an iceberg since World War II.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk figure a guy with a flag as a costume would know all about politics.  What the ‘A’ stand for, anyhow?”  And Capn’Merica say, “Err… ‘America’.”  And Hulk say, what a Merica?”  And Capn’Merica say, “AMERICA!  Ass.”  And Hulk say, “That make no sense!  Canada part of America.  Mexico part of America!  Even Hulk know that!  You kidding Hulk!”  And Capn’Merica say, “Why do you hate Our Freedom?  Saying that Canada is part of America is like saying Hitler was goddamn Republican!  America is America!  The USA!  Old Glory!  The Best Country There is!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk is Strongest One There Is!”  And Capn’Merica say, “Fuck Yeah!  USA! USA! USA! USA!”  And Hulk say, “OK, this is not so funny anymore… Hulk mean, this whole joke has been kinda done to death already, hasn’t it?”  And Capn’Merica say, “Sigh.  I suppose you’re right.  My contract with the Federal Government is pretty explicit about not breaking character, but sometimes I just get sick of putting on the act.  Three years of Theater and four of Modern Dance doesn’t really prepare you for the role of US super soldier, does it?  God, sometimes I just wish I could get out of this contract and move to Canada where I can marry my life partner and stop living a lie, but damnit, the Feds own the patent on the supersolider serum, and I can’t afford the licensing fees I’d have to pay on my super-body, so I wear the costume, and throw the shield, and deny what I am.”  And Hulk say, “That most tragic thing Hulk ever hear!  Hulk think everyone be allowed to have the sex with anyone they want, so long as it isn’t weird or sick sex.  Hulk pretty freaked out by dudes that like to get enemas up their butts.  Hulk not one to judge, but that pretty gross. Poop never sexy.”  And Capn’Merica say, “Yeah… anyway, did you have a question for me about something?”  And Hulk say, “No.”  And Capn’Merica say, “About politics, right?  About Israel and Palestine?”  And Hulk say, “Err… Hulk not think so.”  And Capn’Merica say, “No really, that was the whole point of meeting for beer, wasn’t it?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk like beer.” 

Hulk drink some more, and then go home.  Betty say, “So, did you learn anything about politics.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk learn that the America is the Best Country There Is, but Canada isn’t America, and in Canada the gays can marry other gays, and people get enemas, and they have good beer, and no one persecute you for the color of your skin or your religion or even if you are French.”  And Betty say, “But nothing about Israel and Palestine?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk’s tummy totally upset!  All they have at bar was Puny Chickenwings!  How Hulk supposed to get full on Chickenwings?  They tiny like little mice!  You ever try to fill up on just mice?  It pretty hard.  So Hulk have to eat about a thousand little wings, and now Hulk’s tummy hurt!  Hulk say, ‘Give me Hottest Wing There Is’ and they give Hulk a bucket of wings and they pretty hot.  They not hot like fire of a thousand suns, but they still tingle on the way down.  Hulk not sure if Hulk looking forward to crapping next- Hulk hope Hulk’s Mighty Jade Cornhole is as invulnerable as Hulk’s Glorious Green Hide.”  And Betty say, “Wait… you ate a thousand wings, and now you’re worried about stomache upset?”  And Hulk say, “Yeah.  Hulk need a glass of milk.”  And Betty say, “Fuck this for a game of soldiers, I’m going out for the night.  I’m not standing down-wind of you in the crapper with a five-alarm wing emergency.  I’m going out.  I need to score some more blow anyhow.”  And Hulk say, “Be careful Betty!  Hulk sure there bad people in the city who try and hurt Betty, and Hulk sworn off killing for Lent!  Hulk want to save Betty, but Hulk not allowed to squish Puny Muggers to jelly for a while.”  And Betty say, “Hulk, the last time you did that, those weren’t muggers at all.  They were just girl scouts.” And Hulk say, “Is that why they have cookies?”  And Betty say, “I’m gone.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk like cookies.”

-H

Dear Hulk:

I'm in love with a woman.  This wouldn't normally be a problem, but

her main occupation is sticking pointy sticks of wood into people like

me.  Now, I'm not like the others, I have a soul, but not being able

to go out in sunlight, needing to drink blood, and other random

vampire nastiness tends to put a crimp in my relationships.  Do you

have any advice for me?

Sincerely,

Angel

Hey, Hulk hear what you’re saying.  Hulk have similar problem- Hulk try to get soul.  Hulk tried to kickoff career in R&B, but PUNY CLAY AIKEN ruin it for everyone else!  He puny and white like Banner, not Big and Green like Hulk or Proud and Black like James Brown.  Hulk sick of puny whiteboys trying to sing!  Hulk go to see Godfather of Soul and get some advice, and Godfather of Soul the Hardest Working Man in Showbuisness say to Hulk, “How the hell did you get into my hotel room?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk let Hulk in.”  And The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business say, “I can see that fool- you knocked a hole in the ceiling and came a’ dropping down.  I’d tell you to get the hell out, but you got that crazy look in your eyes makes me think you’re looking for trouble.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not looking for trouble- Hulk looking for advice.  Hulk want to know how Hulk get more Soul.”  And The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business say, “You don’t get soul by wishing for it, you get soul by living hard and loving hard and doing what you love.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk get Soul by hitting up Betty doggystyle in the bathroom and SMAHSING assisted living communities?”  And The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business say, “Ah, that ain’t quite what I mean…”  And Hulk say, “So, Hulk don’t have to SMASH puny Clay Aiken and become international R&B sensation to get Soul?”  And The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business say, “Nah man, It’s probably better if you don’t sing so much.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk been working on doing splits!  Want to see Hulk so a split?”  And The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business say, “Nah, that’s alright…. Oh Christ boy!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk… can…. Take… the… pain…”  And The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business say, “Was that ripping sound your pants or your crotch?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk…not…sure…but…ohgodohgodohgod…Hulk NOT feel good, but Hulk know… at least… Hulk born funky.”  And The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business say, “You need me to call an ambulance?”  And Hulk say, “Nah… Hulk… heal…pretty… fast…ohgodohgodohgod…..”

The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business a pretty great guy- he get Hulk a bag of chipped ice from his minibar for Hulk’s crotch and give Hulk a tiny bottle of Scotch.  Hulk might not be as funky as the Godfather of Soul, but Hulk pretty sure he a better Sex Machine.  The Hardest-Working Man in Show Business looks like a half-melted Malibu Ethnic Ken Doll and he gets wheezy and out of breath from watching TV and scratching himself.  Hulk the real Sex Machine.  One time, Hulk SMASHED this crazy dance party in a warehouse and this girl gave Hulk a handful of little pills and Hulk ate them and Hulk get real thirsty and hot and get a funny feeling in Hulk’s naughty bits.  Hulk not remember it too well, but Hulk pretty sure Hulk got it on with about a hundred chicks and ended up humping the DJ’s turntables.  Crazy dancing  kids say, “Hulk’s junk make the freshest beats EVER!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk’s junk make every party better!”  Hulk wake up next day with headache and a mouth full of goo from glowsticks.  A word of warning from Hulk- glowsticks might looks tasty, but glowsticks taste like fried ass. 

Hulk pretty depressed the next day too, and Hulk not sure why.  Hulk go to see buddy Brother Voodoo. Brother Voodoo working at Spencer’s Gifts at the mall, but Hulk banned from the Mall since that time Hulk tell a security guard off.  Security Guard say, “Oh God!  Oh please!  Stop… twisting… my… arm…I can feel… my… shoulder… dislocating!”  And Hulk say, “Shut up rent-a-pig!”  And they ban Hulk from the mall for just that little thing!  Hulk say, Hulk got a right to free speech, but the Judge say Hulk got no case because the Mall private, but Hulk say the Mall not allowed to keep black people out or the Mall get sued, so why the mall allowed to keep green people out?”  And the Judge say, “Well, green people can come to the mall. But Hulk can’t.”  So Hulk go in a cognito and sneak in.  When Hulk get to Spencer’s Gifts Brother Voodoo say, “Hulk, why do you have those glasses on.  You’re not ever wearing a shirt- why did you go with the paisley necktie?”  And Hulk say, “Shhhh!  Hulk in disguise!  You call Hulk “Mr. Nothulk.”  That Hulk’s secret identity.”  And Brother Voodoo say, “I thought Bruce Banner was Hulk’s secret identity?”  And Hulk say, “No!  Puny Banner nothing to do with Hulk!  He like one of those really deep zits you get on your ass that you can’t squeeze because they too deep, but they hurt when you sit on park benches or car hood or other hard things!  Puny Banner just a tiny annoying condition Hulk have to deal with occasionally!  One day, Hulk pop Puny Banner and Hulk be able to sit on park benches without hurting!”  And Brother Voodoo say, “Alright Dude, just chill your shit out.   I’m working here, and my manager gets pissed when she sees me talking to friends.  I’m supposed to be restocking these novelty birthday cards.”  And Hulk read one of the cards, and it say, “I wanted to give you a birthday cake, but all I made were these hot buns.” And inside the card, a picture of a girl’s ass!  She totally bending over!  Hulk nearly flip his shit out!  Greeting cards that are also PORN?  Hulk pretty blown away by modern technology.  Brother Voodoo say, “Dude, don’t stick that card down your pants…ah man, I can’t put that on the rack now.  Hulk, you can’t be stealing from my store!  I could get fired!  My manager is a total dickhole!”  And Hulk say, “Who your manager?”  And Brother Voodoo say, “You ever hear of a chick named Vamp?”  And Hulk say, “She sound kinda hot.”  And Brother Voodoo say, “She might have been once… someone shot her in the head a while back at some bar, and she’s… well… she’s not quite right now.  She sort of twitches and occasionally has these seizures where she curses and spits on people.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not exactly HR manager, but why this chick get hired?  She sound pretty gross.”  And Brother Voodoo say, “Well… she can sort of turn into…well, I’d best show you.  It’s pretty hard to describe.”  And he turns and yells, “Vamp!  Someone is trying to steal a novelty plastic skull lamp!”  And this weird chick comes out, all twitching and limping and stuff, and Hulk think she still pretty hot except for the big scars on her head, and she say, “Argphl!  Who dares steal from Spencer’s Gifts!”  And then she totally turn into this big fuckedup dude with a huge head!  Hulk say, “Holly fuck-turtle!  What the fuck up with that!  You look like dirty used buttplug!  You pretty rough as a girl, but Hulk still do you with a few forties of malt liquor under Hulk’s belt, but you a totally fucking freaky thing now!”  And Brother Voodoo say, “Oh man, don’t piss off the Animus!  He…her…er…It is pretty sensitive about the big giant head!”  And Hulk say, “No kidding!  Hulk be pretty sensitive about it too if Hulk’s head look like toy for kinky ass-play!”  And the Animus say, “Argh!  You will pay for insulting the Animus and for trying to steal Novelty Skull Table Lamp!”  And the thing point a club at Hulk and shoot Hulk with beam of energy!  Hulk look down at tie and say, “You ruined Hulk’s tie!  That only Hulk’s tie!  Hulk not know how to tie tie so Hulk really careful to take it off over Hulk’s head!  Hulk save that tie for special occasions!  Hulk wear that tie to funerals for super-friends, and for their Back from the Dead parties!  It still have bean dip from last time Fantastic Four come back from the dead!  Great sentimental value for Hulk!  And Puny…er…Giant Bulbous Head ruin it!  HULK SMAHS!  And Animus say, “Argh!  No!  My precious brains!  Splattered about…  and no!  My limbs!  Don’t throw them… oh no!  My legs have landed in Hot Topic!  No!  Some emo kid will think they are a new fashion and I’ll never see them again!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not like you!  Hulk pretty freaked out when Hulk think Hulk getting it on with a chick and it turn out to be a dude!  You freak Hulk’s sense of gender identity out pretty bad!  Hulk feel strangely uncomfortable, and HULK NOT LIKE THAT!”

After SMASHING Spencer’s Gifts, Hulk say, “Brother Voodoo, you want to go get Smoothie with Hulk?  And a Gyro?”  And Brother Voodoo say, “No Hulk.  Brother Voodoo has to find another job.”  And Hulk say, “Why you not go back to being a superhero?”  And Brother Voodoo say, “yeah, right.  I can’t afford the insurance anymore.” 

Hulk get Smoothie and Gyro without Brother Voodoo, and Hulk realize Hulk never ask Brother Voodoo about how to get more Soul!  Hulk so forgetful sometimes!  Hulk put Hulk’s keys down one place, and Hulk have a hell of a time trying to find them!  Betty say things like, “Where was the last time you knew you had your keys?”  And Hulk say, “Well… Hulk pretty sure Hulk had keys when Hulk SMASHED that school bus, but when Hulk leaned over to pick up bus, keys poked Hulk in the thigh, so Hulk took them out of Hulk’s pockets.  Hulk’s purple pants pretty tight, and Hulk has lots of keys!”  And Betty say, “No Hulk- you have one key.  A key to our apartment.  You just have a hundred electronic car remotes.  Remember?  You collect them for some reason?”  And Hulk say, “Oh yeah!  Hulk just get a great BMW remote!  Hulk standing around outside bank, and man comes out and pushes button, and there that “Beep-Beep” sound from the roof of the building, and he look up and say, “How my car get on the roof?”  And Hulk say, “Boo!”  And Hulk get a really good remote.  And Betty say, “Hulk, that has to be the stupidest thing you have ever decided to collect.  Why didn’t you stick with hood ornaments?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk get sick of scraping the car off good hood ornaments.”  And Betty say, “Perhaps you could take up a hobby that doesn’t include any massive destruction or violence?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk see Betty’s mouth moving, but only hear “Waaaa, waaaaa-waaaa- waaaaaa-waaaaa-waaaa?”  And Betty say, “Hulk!  Stay with me here, I can see your mind starting to wander.”  And Hulk say, “How you see that?”  And Betty say, “I can see Hulk’s eyes staring at my tits, that’s how.”  And Hulk say, “It not Hulk’s fault that Betty has killer rack.  Hulk and Betty make the sex now?”  And Betty says, “Later.  Betty is late for her hair appointment, and Mr. Batroc get very touchy when you are late for an appointment.”  And Hulk say, “What Hulk do while you’re gone!  Hulk run out of good porno, and Hulk’s imagination not good enough to wank to!”  And She say, “I don’t know… why don’t you try singing.”  And So Hulk say, “Hulk not sure if Hulk can sing… Hulk need soul.” 

So Hulk’s has good news for Angel- It’s a man’s world, so all you gotta do is make it funky.  I got a feelin’ that once your get up offa that thing that getting you down you’ll be able to say it loud that ‘I got a feelin that I feel good’, and you don’t need to be going after some chick just because of her hot pants, and you don’t need to be saying ‘please please please’ cause you gotta learn to give it up or turn it loose. 

Now, Hulk got soul.

-H      

Dear Hulk,

I seem to have misplaced a rather precious ring.  Apparently some

midget found it and is now try to destroy it with the help of 3,

really 4 but 1 is extra hairy, other midgets, a couple of bullies, an

old man, and some prancy elf.

I have been looking everywhere for them, but I can't seem to find

them.  Do you have any tips?

Signed,

S.

Hulk think you got a pretty bad problem there.  Hulk had same problem for a while, except with fewer midgets.  Hulk and Betty get married, and Hulk take Betty to Have and to Hold, and With This Ring we wed.  Hulk and Betty pretty happy.  Hulk and Betty honeymoon all sorts of places.  We stay in this little Bed & Breakfast in Upstate and they have muffins!  Muffins all the time!  You come down from room, and there are muffins!  Hulk think muffins totally punk rock.  Hulk could eat about a thousand muffins.  They say Hulk, “Hulk!  You ate a thousand muffins!  You only pay $150 a night off-season rates!  And you eat $2000 in muffins every night!  Hulk not welcome here anymore!”  And Hulk say, “But muffins there for Hulk to eat!  Hulk love muffins!”  And they say, “Hulk ate all the muffins, and then ate all the muffin mix, and then at the muffin pan!”  And Hulk say, “There little crusty bits of muffin on the [an!  Hulk nibble the muffin bits off but accidentally eat whole pan.  Betty buy new pan.”  And they say, “The pan not the issue!  Hulk has to go!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not even had breakfast yet!  Hulk want more breakfast and another bed!”  And they say, “What happened to your first beg?”  And Hulk say, “Betty get pretty frisky on honeymoon and tie Hulk to bed-frame for kinky bondage sex.  She rub hulk with oils and dance for Hulk then tie Hulk down.  She say, ‘Back in a second, Hulk’ and Hulk wait for Betty to come out of bathroom.  But not Betty that comes out of bathroom!  It Electra!  She all wearing red and half naked and everything!  Hulk yell, ‘What you do with Betty!  You not assassinate Hulk!  Hulk no Puny Ninja!  Hulk SMAHS you!’ And Hulk get off bed!  Problem is, Hulk tied to bed, so Hulk mostly SMASH bed.  Electra say, ’No Hulk!  It Betty!  We play sexy role-play sex games!’  And Hulk say, ‘How Hulk believe you!  You devious assassin!  You may be lying to Hulk!’  And she pull off top and say,’ Does Hulk recognize THESE!’  And Hulk say, “Woof!”  So that what happened to bed.  And rug.  And most of that wall.  And Hulk think Hulk hear a support beam cracking under room.  Hulk pretty familiar with sound of support beams cracking from all Hulk’s years as professional SMASHER.  Hulk think you need to have building inspector come by and check your Bed and Breakfast.  Hulk think it might be unsafe.”  And they say, “Hulk leaves now!”

Betty pretty mad with Hulk, but Hulk say, “Betty, you know it not Hulk’s fault!  Hulk just want the muffins they promise Hulk, and Hulk want to bang new wife!”  And Betty say, “Banging me is all well and good, but Hulk needs to be more gentle.  I’m going to be sore for a week.”  And Hulk say, “Yeah..  Hulk a hell of a Man.”  And She say, “How come Hulk get that smug look when Hulk find out how Betty’s woman-parts sore in morning?”  And Hulk say, “Look?” 

Hulk and Betty go to Sea World next to see Shamu.  Hulk watch big whale swim in little tank and do tricks, and Hulk feel sorry for Shamu.  Hulk understand how it is to be a big Hulk in a small car or a small dentist office or a small booth at one of those girlie shows where you put coins in the slot and the screen comes up and you can see boobs.  Hulk know it know fun to be big in a small world, except when Betty say she won’t be able to walk straight for a week after Hulk lays down some powerful lovin.  Hulk watch Shamu, and Hulk decide to set him free!

Hulk get up, and Betty say, “Hulk, you’d better not be about to do something characteristically stupid.”  And Hulk say, “NO…Hulk go to get Betty some ice for Betty’s sore woman-parts.”  And Betty say, “Hulk… I think I’ll be fine is… hey!  Come back!”  And Hulk say, “Cheese it!” 

Hulk get to front of stadium just as Puny Blonde in Wetsuit feed Shamu fish.  Hulk scream out, “Don’t take fish!  You Hulk’s monochrome brother!  Don’t pander to The Man!  Hulk set Shamu Free!”  And Hulk jump into tank with Shamu.  Hulk not too good at swimming, but Hulk SMASH water pretty good.  Hulk throw most of water out of tank, until Hulk can walk OK on bottom.  Hulk go up to Shamu and say, “You free!  You go back to your home!”  And Shamu springs a leak!  Water shoot out of top of Shamu’s head!  Hulk pretty freaked out, and stick fist into hole, “OHMYGOD OHMYGOD Shamu leaking!  Hulk save Shamu!  Hulk plug Shamu’s leak and carry Shamu to freedom!”  Shamu a pretty big whale, but Hulk is STRONGEST ONE THERS IS.  Shamu no trouble for Hulk, but he go sort of limp and floppy after Hulk leap out with him, and Hulk hear sounds from inside Shamu like giant damp pretzel sticks breaking every time Hulk land after jumping.  Hulk pretty sure Shamu take opportunity to get revenge on people though, because when Hulk jump with him he land on people around Hulk.  Hulk jump all the way to beach with Shamu and throw Shamu way out over jetty.  Hulk see Free Willy, and even though they say to Hulk “This not a porno movie!”  Hulk still enjoy it.  Hulk see Shamu fly over jetty, and Hulk get warm feeling.  Hulk later realize that caused by all the whale blood and urine running down Hulk’s back, but Hulk not know it at the time.  Then, all Hulk felt was warm satisfaction.  Hulk pretty sure Hulk could get same feeling if Hulk just pee his pants, but Betty said Hulk shouldn’t try the experiment unless Hulk willing to do the laundry for once.  Hulk say, “Yeah right!  Get in that kitchen and make Hulk some pork chops.”  And She say, “Hulk make own damn pork chops!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not love you anymore.  Betty getting fat.”  And She say, “Ha!  That not work on Betty anymore!  Betty getting wise to Hulk’s tricks!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk totally not kidding.”  And She say, “I have my yoga class tonight.  Eat leftovers.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not understand how microwave works!  Hulk tired of eating burned popcorn and burritos still frozen in the center!”  And Betty say, “Hey- what happened to your wedding ring?” 

Hulk look down, and Hulk’s wedding ring gone!  Hulk say, “Ahhh… The Leader come up with fiendish plan to steal Hulk’s wedding ring!”  And Betty say, “You lost it!  How could you loose your wedding ring?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk pretty sure you took it.  Hulk don’t know much, but Hulk now loosing Hulk’s wedding ring not Hulk’s fault.”  And She start to cry!  Hulk not know how to handle this!  Hulk say, “There there Betty!  You not really fat!  You got tight ass and tasty jugs!  You even hotter than that Mary Jane chick I banged while Spidey was out of town!”  And she say, “Oh Hulk, we’ve only been married a few weeks.  How could you loose the symbol of our union?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk thought Stars and Stripes the symbol of our Union.”  And Betty say, “Our MARIAGE Hulk!  Stop joking around!”  And Hulk say, “Joke?”  And She say, “You find the ring, Hulk!  You find it!”  And she leave!

Hulk pretty confused- where did Hulk know Hulk had ring last?

Hulk push mind back in time… Hulk puling food out of mouth, getting hungrier… Hulk sucking turds back into Hulk’s butt… Hulk getting more and more rested until Hulk fall asleep…. Then Hulk get up, really tired and drunk.  Then Hulk suck giant pool of vomit back into mouth.  Then Hulk talk to Cop.  Then Hulk drive car really really fast forwards.     Then hulk spit bourbon back into bottles.  Then further and further back… and Hulk remember seeing light glint off ring just as it go into hole in top of Shamu’s head!  That dirty bastard whale stole Hulk’s wedding ring!  After Hulk set Shamu free!  Hulk roaring mad now!  Nothing chap’s Hulk’s hide worse than being betrayed by friend!  Hulk go find Shamu and Hulk SMASH!  Hulk go back to beach where Hulk let Shamu go, and Hulk find Shamu hanging out on beach like nothing going on.  Hulk say, “Shamu stole Hulk’s wedding ring!  Shamu not Hulk’s friend!  And Hulk set Shamu free!”  And Shamu doesn’t even talk back to Hulk!  “Hulk hate being ignored!”  Hulk go over to Shamu and kick Shamu in the brain!  Hulk’s foot get stuck, so Hulk stick hand in hole and feel around in Shamu’s head.  After half an hour, a crowd gathered.  Pasty man in sandals and dreds say, “Why you desiccate the body of this noble sea creature!  You have no respect for our fellow travelers on Spaceship Earth!”  And Hulk say, “Shamu stole Hulk’s wedding ring!  Hulk SMAHS Shamu and get ring back!  Betty not have sex with Hulk until Hulk find ring, and Hulk not have the money for hookers anymore.  Betty spend all of Hulk’s money on painkillers and gin!”  And Puny Dreds Man say, “Save a whale!”  And Hulk say, “Save your breath!  Hulk find ring!”  Hulk so happy, Hulk decide not to SMASH Shamu anymore, and instead returns Shamu to Sea World prison.  Hulk put Shamu back in tank, and Puny Blonde in Wetsuit say, “Oh gross!  Shamu is all dead and rotting!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not know what you talking about!  And even if Hulk did, Hulk didn’t do it.  And even if Hulk did it, it not Hulk’s fault.  And Even if it Hulk’s fault, Hulk just defending himself.  Shamu came at Hulk!  Whale had a knife.  Whale threatened to ‘Cut Hulk good.’”  And She say, “Hulk, this story is simultaneously more and less coherent than any story you have ever told before.  Why don’t you just leave before it gets stranger.”  And Hulk say, “Cheese it!”

Hulk totally got away with it.

Hulk  say you totally need to look inside a whale for your ring.  Hulk pretty sure that where it is.

-H

Dear Hulk,

I want you to take a stroll down Memory Lane with me, okay?

was kind of cool -- I always liked Ben Grimm), and my good friend Steve's comics collection. Now, I took an interest in you because you were big, green, and you had a hot girlfriend. Well, in particular, my friend Steve showed me the issue where Betty had been turned into a green harpy and I never read comic books when I was a kid. My only exposure to them were the really crappy Marvel cartoons (though the Fantastic Fourkicked your ass! And in the last frame I could swear that I could see her boobs as clear as day. Wow. Like I said, your girlfriend was hot, but really hot as a green harpy. And did I mention that she kicked your ass?

So, anyway, I only bought two comics before I was 19 -- an odd issue of Captain Canuck when I was 8, and a copy of The Incredible Hulk when I was 10. Now, this particular issue really showcased what a loser you are. There you were, jumping across the Midwest a mile at a time, until you got hungry, stopped to roll a group of hobos to steal their pot of beans, ate the whole pot in one swill, then fell asleep farting. When you woke up, you found yourself pitted against some bozo calling himself something like "The Locust". His powers? Wait for this...yes...he controlled swarms of locusts. Now, since this was the farming heartland of the US you were hopping over, I suppose this was supposed to be topical, but man, it was retarded. You were swatting bugs left and right, and...well...not doing a whole hell of a lot else. Eventually you twigged to clapping your hands to set up a shockwave and clear off the swarm, but damned if I recall how the fuck you resolved the situation. Maybe you pulled the legs off The Locust or something equally imaginative. Anyway, because of that, it was another nine years before I bought my first copy of Camelot 3000 (Issue #11, I think). I'm trying to think if I ever picked up another issue of The Incredible Hulk, even in the big, stupid cross-overs. Hmm...nope, though I did pick up a particularly hot issue of She-Hulk illustrated by Adam Hughes, and the Hulk vs. Thing graphic novel, but only because it was funny and featured Ben Grimm, whom I've always thought was cool.

If it's any consolation, I had the snap-together model kit of you, and I painted your pants a particularly shiny purple. I think you would have enjoyed it. If I recall my mis-spent youth with any accuracy, I must've eventually dropped you into a jar of acetone and watched you melt over the course of the next couple of days. Yeah, thanks to you, I was huffing fumes and will probably get cancer in a couple of years.

Cheers,
Ian

(P.S. I was just thumbing through one of the "Marvel Holiday Grab-Bags" -- from 1975, I think -- and the narrator was referring to you as "Bob Banner". What the hell was up with that, Bruce?)
(P.P.S. I should probably mention that I do have a figure of you in my remaining HeroClix collection, but only because I have a Thing figure, too, and occasionally I stage battles to watch him mop up the floor with you. I always liked Ben Grimm.)

Ian Young

Hulk get lost about third of the way through your question… what your question again?  Hulk know what you mean about comics and figures!  Hulk would have made a boat-load of coin on those deals, but Puny Stan Lee totally screwed Hulk out of royalties.  Hulk would be rolling in Zingers and Hookers now if Puny Stan Lee hadn’t taken stories Hulk told him over pints of fortified wine and made comics out of them.  Hulk used to be furious about being ripped off.  Hulk feel like Elvis, but Stan Lee’s lawyers The Most Litigious Lawyers There Is.  Even Hulk not strong enough to SMASH all process servers.  Stan “The Puny Man” Lee even try to sue Hulk into not saying SMASH anymore!  He say, “Cease and Desist!  ’SMASH’ and ‘Strongest One There Is’ are registered trademarks of the Marvel Cooperation!”  And Hulk say, “But that just what Hulk say!  You can’t trademark words!”  And Puny Stan say, “Ha!  So you think!  I own your green ass, and you’ll do public appearances at malls and like it!”  And Hulk say, “No way!  Hulk not like malls!  Being at malls make Hulk feel weird and dull, like soul being sucked out!  Hulk had that done once, and didn’t like it!  Hulk not trust malls!”  And Puny Stan say, “Screw you bitch!  Excelsior!”  Hulk pretty confused at this point by break in 4^th Wall, and so not SMASH Puny Stan Lee. 

Hulk explain everything to Betty, and she turned into a total harpie!  Like that thing you were talking about, but not as sexy!  She totally ripped Hulk a new one!  “Hulk!  We could have used that money!  Jesus!  You know I need my medication!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk know… Hulk sorry...  Hulk know Betty need her box of wine and her crank.  Hulk get betty wine and crank!  Hulk Best Husband There is!”  And Betty say, “It’s your fault I drink and tweak, you stupid green bastard!  Banner could at least get a teaching job, even if he is a dickless little shit!  But you?  All you do is SMASH!  And you never even SMASH the right thing!  You don’t have any job skills, any ambition, or any career prospects!  Mother was right when she said I’d be sorry if I ‘went green.’”  And Hulk say, “Your mother never like Hulk!  And your father try and kill Hulk all the time!  He even try and use giant orbital laser to kill Hulk at the Wedding!  He pay for wedding to sucker Hulk into false sense of security.  Hulk find this really big cake, and Hulk eating the cake.  It  a pretty great cake.  Even had these little candy people on top, and one was green!  Hulk eat them last.  Little one in white taste like marzipan!”  And Betty say, “You were the one who ate the wedding cake?  You said the Abomination broke in and did that before you SMASHED him!  You jerk!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk pretty sure that happen in pre-crisis continuity!  Hulk pretty sure that not happen in current continuity!”  And Betty say, “Argh!  That’s DC!  Not Marvel!  Marvel hasn’t rebooted continuity!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk read ‘Hero’s Reborn’, Hulk pretty sure Hulk do something important then.”  And Betty say, “Don’t change the subject!  Hulk, you go and get a job!”

See what I mean?  Hulk totally henpecked!  At least hulk taking care of business in the bedroom.  That where Hulk set up Hulk’s home office!  Hulk starting consulting firm.  Hulk not sure what Hulk give advice about- it either be Network Process Streamlining and Optimization or How to Screw Better.  Hulk think Network Process Streamlining and Optimization sound pretty fly, but Hulk know more about How to Screw Better.  Hulk could do both, and make twice the money!  Better Network Process Streamlining and Optimization of How to Screw!  Hulk make a fortune!  Hulk be able to get HD Plasma screen TV and watch Return of the Kings and finally be able to pause it and see that scene where Eowyn totally naked!  Hulk hear about that from this guy, and it all Hulk can think about since then.  Hulk go to people’s offices and say, “Show Hulk your servers!” And they say, “OK, Mr. Hulk, tell us how we can Streamline and Optimize our Network Processes and thus Screw Better.”  And Hulk say, “You not tell me what to do!  Hulk tell you what to do!  Call in that pretty secretary and Hulk give example of what Hulk talking about!”  And pretty secretary say, “Oh Hulk, you’re all the man I could ever want.”  And Hulk say, “Ha!  In your face, Betty!  Betty say, Hulk never make money doing what Hulk good at, but now look at Hulk!”  Hulk find so much satisfaction in planning Hulk’s career, Hulk get Betty’s Wine Money from inside Betty’s sock drawer and go out for a beer.  Hulk figure with all the play and cash Hulk be getting, Hulk replace money before Betty even realize it gone, and if she find out and get pissed, who cares?  Hulk getting mad play!

Hulk get to club on “Fill Anything for two-fifty” night.  They fill up anything you bring in for $2.50!  Hulk see one dude drinking out of football helmet!  Another guy drinking out of plastic bucket!  Hulk see a chick drinking out of this crazy glass with a handle on side!  Hulk totally get in on this action!  Hulk say, “Fill it up bartender!  Here my $2.50!”  And bartender say, “Holy fuck!  That’s a dumpster!  That’s the dumpster from the alley out back!  You can see all the scuff marks on the side where people have nasty drunken alley sex up against it!  It smells like rotting lime wedges and puke!  Get that out of there!”  And Hulk say, “No!  Hulk pay his $2.50!  If Puny bartender want his fifty-cent tip, Puny Bartender fill up Hulk’s dumpster!”  And he say, “that thing would hold like a thousand gallons!  We don’t even have that much beer in the place.  Hulk abusing the drink special!  No one even supposed to do that anyhow, it only to get people in the door!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not care!  Hulk have super-metabolism and weigh half a ton!  It take a lot of beer to get Hulk shitfaced!”  And bartender say, “How about I cut you a deal.  You get that dumpster out of here, and I’ll hook you up with dollar jello shots.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not fooled!  Hulk know on Tuesdays you do Dollar jello shot special!  Hulk not be screwed out of fill-anything-for-two-fifty special!  Hulk want beer!”  And Puny Bartender say, “I’m gonna have ask you to leave.”  And Hulk say, “How come?”  And Puny Bartender say, “Because Iron Man just walked in.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk know!  Hulk meeting Iron Man for drink!  Hulk and Iron Man get sloshed together and get hookers!  It something we do every month to celebrate first time we got drunk and got hookers!”  And Puny Bartender say, “How about I just run the tap into you mouth, and fill YOU up with beer?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk a reasonable Hulk.  Hulk think that acceptable.”  And Hulk end up with beer hose in mouth, sucking finest Domestic Draft!  Hulk’s Hooker-Buddy Iron Man hook up armor to tap, and pump it in.  Hulk and Iron Man dance nasty with couple of hot girls, but Hulk pretty sure Iron Man’s girl really a guy.  Hulk not say anything because Iron Man having such a good time.  After Hulk finish off Domestic Draft, Hulk run a tab with Betty’s credit cards and start going shots.  Hulk say, “Give me a Hulk Buster!”  And bartender say, “What’s in a Hulk Buster?”

Hulk Buster
Ingredients:
½ Gallon Imported Absinth
 ½ Gallon Chambord Raspberry Liquor
1 Paper Umbrella
Mixing Instructions:
Pour Raspberry Liquor into bucket.  Pour Imported Absinth into bucket.  Put umbrella in bucket.  Give drink to Hulk!

Hulk do Hulk Busters until Hulk able to see through time.  Hulk’s life flash before Hulk- all the SMASHING, all the anger, all the rage, all the people Hulk hurt, all the times Betty cry… and Hulk think it a pretty awesome life.  Hulk have Moment of Clarity.  Hulk realize Hulk’s problems not caused by Hulk, but by all the people that hold Hulk back!  Puny Banner… Puny Betty… Puny Stan Lee…  And that fisherman on the box of fish sticks that won’t write Hulk back when Hulk complain about all the icky black skin the fish sticks come with now, and about how little fish there is under Thickest Batter There Is. 

Hulk realize Hulk ok. 

Hulk OK.  Everyone else pretty effing messed up though.

-H

Dear Hulk,

I hold an important position in the public service, but I hate my job and want to leave it. Unfortunately, I have signed an extremely complicated contract which precludes me ever voluntarily stepping down. While I have tried to go to the rest of my (admittedly quite influential) family for support, they all have their own problems, and the fact that they are all vastly more popular than I am makes it difficult for me to talk to them. Added to which, despite my status, nobody takes me seriously because I look like the lead singer from The Cure.

With this in mind, I have come to you for advice. How do I leave my job in such a manner that everyone will like me more than my siblings?

Yours,

Morpheus

Hulk not like the Cure!  Puny Banner listen to The Cure and moan about problems!  The Cure music for weenies!  The Hulk like serious music!  The Hulk rocking out to Jefferson Airplane!  Then Hulk find Jefferson Starship, and Hulk pretty sure Hulk’s dreams come true!  Hulk Sing! 

Hulk built this city, Hulk built this city on rock an’ roll!
BUILT THIS CITY!  Hulk BUILT THIS CITY on rock an’ roll!

Hulk could do a teamup with Jefferson Starship and stomp the crap out of The Cure!  Puny Robert Smith would be like, “Oh Hulk, my tiny wee bones are too sad to stop you!”  And Hulk would be like, “Hulk built this city on kicking your ass!” 

Hulk totally into music now.  Hulk talking to Betty about it, and Betty say, “Hulk!  I have an idea!  Why don’t you take this money and go down to the record store on the corner and buy and album!  Betty has a headache and would like to take a nap, but Hulk’s singing is so… enthusiastic, Betty can’t sleep.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk can buy any music Hulk wants?”  And Betty say, “Yes.  No!  No more Tom Jones.”  And Hulk say, “Tom Jones is the MAN!”  And Betty say, “Please Hulk, for me?”  And Hulk say, “OK Betty.  Hulk love Betty.  Hulk not play anymore Tom Jones.  Hulk Sing Tom Jones instead!” 

Hulk wake up crying!
After tossin' and turnin'
And a-yearnin' whole night long
Pretty baby since you went away
HULK HAVEN’T SPENT HAPPY DAY!

Hulk sing all the way to record store.  Hulk walk into store, and ask kid in plastic frame glasses at the counter, “Hey, you got any Jefferson Airplane?”  And Puny Kid say, “Jefferson what?   Dude, those guys are old.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk want Jefferson Airplane!  Hulk BUILT THIS CITY ON ROCKIN’ROLL!”  And the Puny Kid said, “Holy crap, It’s you!”  And Hulk say, “Hey!  You kid from coffee shop!  You kid wouldn’t give Hulk frapichino!  You think you too hip to give Hulk good customer service!”  And Kid say, “I only just got the casts off!  They had to fuse three of my vertebra!”  And Hulk say, “Well, sure didn’t teach you anything about attitude or customer service.”  And Kid say, “I’m on pain killers for the rest of my life!  Of course my attitude sucks!  I work a goddamn hipster record store, and the kids are getting younger and younger, and the other day some kid asks me for some new indie band, and I’D NEVER EVEN HEARD OF THEM!”  And Hulk say, “Jesus Kid!  No need to yell at Hulk.”  And Kid say, “My Indie Cred is shot to shit!  I spent all that time recovering from a SMASHING that I got behind!  There are bands out there I know nothing about!  My hands shake too much to steam milk properly, and now after spending so much time waiting for my hearing to come back, I don’t know anything about bands anymore!  I’m fucked!  What the hell else is a philosophy major supposed to do?”  And Hulk say, “You could work in IT with all the English majors?”  And Kid say, “My life Sucks!”  And Hulk say, “You know who’s else life sucks?  Puny Robert Smith!  Hulk SMASH ROBERT SMITH!  Puny Robert Smith talk bad about Jefferson Airplane, and if Hulk see him, Hulk totally kick his spine out his ass!”  And Kid say, “Sometimes, I wish I could go all Hulky and SMASH people who annoy me.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk pretty sure Puny Banner has some radioactive isotopes stashes behind the Oreos in the freezer at Hulk’s home.  You want come over and let Hulk give you Gamma injection?”  And Kid say, “nah, I’m not gay.  But man… I’d really love to SMASH some emo kids… the ones who wear all the crap from Hot Topic.”  And Hulk say, “Oh, they fun to SMASH.  They look like they expecting it.”  And Kid say, “I wish I had super powers.”  And Hulk say, “Gamma injection?”  And Kid say, “That’s OK.   I think we have some Jefferson Airplane in the back.”

Hulk a People Person!  Hulk help Puny Indie Kid feel better about himself!  Kid all depressed about life-long crippling injuries, but Hulk make Kid feel better!  Nothing make people feel better about life-long crippling injuries than thinking about inflicting life-long crippling injuries on others!  SMASH is the gift that keeps on SMASHING! 

So Hulk say, you need to find Robert Smith and kick his spleen out!  Hulk think that make everyone feel better.  Especially Hulk. 

Hulk Built this City!

-H

 Hulk sorry not to have posted anything sooner.  Puny Bailywolf sick all weekend, and Hulk not get to post anything!  Puny Bailywolf say, “Please, Hulk!  I’ve got like a thousand things to catch up on since I missed Tuesday!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk about to explode!  Hulk have tons of stuff to say to people on internet!  Hulk have his fans!”  And Puny Bailywolf say, “Jesus Hulk, you’re the one who got me sick!  Every time I blow my nose, it’s a ropey mass of nasty green snot!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not know anything about that!”  And Puny Bailywolf say, “Dude! You blow your nose on my hand towels!  Hand towels are not there for you to blow you nose on!  They are there for me to wipe my hands after I wash them!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk have huge nose!  Puny Kleenex rip when Hulk blows!  Hulk need towel!”  And Puny Bailywolf say, “Well man, it’s all your own damn fault you didn’t get to post anything until today.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk SMASH!”  And Puny Bailywolf say, “Dude, we’re talking on the phone here.  Are you going to break another phone?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not SMASH phone!  Hulk promise Betty not to SMASH any more phones!”  And Puny Bailywolf say, “Well good.  I can post something for you now if you like.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk forget what Hulk was thinking!”

Hulk always getting blamed for stuff like that!  Hulk this big green handsome guy, so people jealous!  That blame Hulk for all kinds of things.  They come into room and say, “Who ate the sofa cushions?  Jesus, those were overstuffed and everything!  And the leather!”  And Hulk say, “Murmgh HHUMPG numpgh eatmpgh sofagmph cushompgh!”  And they say, “What were you thinking?”  And Hulk say, “Gulp.  Hulk not know they were cushions!  Hulk think they giant beef jerky!”  Hulk everyone’s scapegoat.  Hulk walking down street, minding Hulk’s own business, and people run into Hulk in cars!  Hulk say, “Why you crash into me?”  And they say, “Oh Jesus!  The airbag broke my nose”  And Hulk say, “Not Hulk’s Fault!”  And they say, “Hulk was walking down middle of the street!”  And Hulk say, “People always say ‘I was walking down the street.’  Hulk just follow literary conventions!”

Hulk getting tired of being everyone’s whipping-Hulk, so Hulk go off to be alone for a while.  Hulk get back to nature in cabin in the woods.  Hulk having great time communing with nature and frolicking with woodland creatures.  Hulk say, “Hello little bambi!  Hulk think you are nice!”  And Bambi says, “…”  and Hulk say, “Hey, Hulk talking to you!  You being rude!”  And Bambi says, “…”, and Hulk say, “Hulk’s self esteem hurt by being ignored!  HULK SMASH!”  And little bambi says, “…squick”.  Hulk have better conversation with squirrels.  Hulk have way with animals.  Animals sense Hulk’s gentle nature.  Hulk get bored with squirrel conversation after couple of hours, and Hulk have something to eat instead.  Squirrels crunch like Kit-Kat Bar!  Later, Hulk walking and singing in woods, when Hulk hear a man say, “Hey, buddy!  Keep it down!  You’re scaring away all the game.”  And Hulk look around, but not see anyone.  Hulk say, “Tree, did you just talk to Hulk.”  And Tree say, “No… dumbass, up here.”  And Hulk look up, and a man is up in the tree!  Hulk say, “What you doing up there?  Are you trapped in tree?  Hulk could save Puny Man!  Hulk never met a Tree Hulk couldn’t SMASH!”  And Puny Man In Tree say, “No no!  Quit shaking the tree!  I’m a hunter!  See my rifle?  See my beer cooler?  See my orange safety camo?  I’m hunting!”  And Hulk say, “You hunting Kwazy Wabbit?  Hulk Love Kwazy Wabbit!  You not hurt Kwazy Wabbit!”  And the Puny Man in Tree say, “Argh!  Please stop shaking the tree!  I’m pretty tore’up already, and my balance ain’t that good!”  And Hulk say, “You not hurt Wabbit!”  And Puny Man say, “Jesus!  I swear, I ain’t gonna hurt the rabbit!”   And Hulk say, “Ok then.  What you hunt?”  And Man say, “I hunt deer.”  And Hulk say, “I know you hunt.  You just say you hunt.  And you not call Hulk ‘dear’!  Only Betty and Aunt May allowed call Hulk ‘Dear’.  Hulk not even know you!”  And Puny Man say, “No!  I hunt DEER!”  And Hulk say, “I KNOW YOU HUNT!  AND DON’T CALLED HULK DEAR!”  And Man say, “Oh shit!  The tree is cracking!  Quit shaking it!  Quit shaking it!”  And Hulk say, “You not responsible sportsman!  Hulk’s buddy Charlton Heston be pissed off!  You not using firearms in responsible and safe manor!  You going to use firearms to shoot woodland creature with!  That not safe for woodland creature!”  And man say, “I belong to the fucking NRA!  I love guns!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not love guns!  Guns don’t kill people!  Getting crushed by giant tree kill people!”  And man say, “Argh……”

Hulk realize his mistake a few hours later and have good chuckle.  ‘Deer’ sounds just like ‘Dear’!  That’s funny!  Hulk come up with comedy routine!  Hulk say, “Who’s on first?”  And The Abomination say, “Deer” And Hulk say, “YOU NOT CALL ME DEAR!  HULK SMASH!”  It great!  Instant comedy classic!  Hulk finish Puny Hunter’s beer to celebrate great idea. 

-H

Hulk looking forward to long weekend.  Hulk pretty sure Hulk can kick the ass out of anyone, but Hulk sick of work.  Work grinds Hulk down until nothing left but frazzled little lump of Hulk, like last Chicken Nugget from McDonalds about to close for night, heavy with grease and disappointment.  Hulk think Martin Luther King did a great thing for America getting Hulk a day off work.  Hulk think he did other things that were good too, but Hulk can’t remember, so Hulk go ask person who about the same color as Martin Luther King.  Hulk say, “So, how come we get say off for Martin Luther King’s birthday, he some kind of NASCAR star, or what?  Hulk really dig the NASCAR.”  And Luke Cage say, “Sweet Christmas Hulk!  Are you serious that you don’t know who Martin Luther King is?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk walk down street in New Jersey once with same name, and people shoot and Hulk for no reason!  Hulk not even SMASH!”  And Cage say, “Hulk, do you know what racism is?”  And Hulk say, “Sure!  Hulk hate Racism!  Hulk try and join Ku Klux Clan once because Hulk think robes help Hulk fit in.  Hulk figure everyone white with white robe on.  Man with no chin say to Hulk, ‘Hulk, you no good for Klan.’ And Hulk say, ‘Why?  Hulk pretty sure Hulk can wear white robe, live in trailer, marry fat ugly woman, and grow patchy beard.  Hulk have all qualifications!’ and he say, ‘Hulk is green!  Klan is only for Whites!’ and Hulk say, ‘then why you not let in Jews or Roman Catholics?  They usually pretty white.’  And he say, ‘No!  They the Zionist conspiracy to take away everything we know and love!  We hate em!’  And Hulk say, ‘everything you love?  You mean your fat ugly wife and your singlewide trailer?  Hulk already porked ugly wife while Klansman at meeting, and Hulk accidentally SMASH trailer.  Hulk thought trailer was secret stealth tank, think that sneaky Thunderbolt Ross trying to trick Hulk!  Hulk not so easy to Trick!  Hulk SMASH trailer!’ and He say, “You motherlovin goook…er…kike…er…nig…’ And Hulk say, “YOU NO SAY THE N WORD!  Hulk know only Black People like friend Like Cage allowed to say the N word!  Hulk just realize!  You racist!  HULK SMASH!’  And that is how Hulk fought racism!  And Cage say, “Jesus Hulk… you just did one of your crazy conversation things INSIDE another one of your crazy conversation things.  That confused the shit out of me.  What the hell were we talking about?”   And Hulk say, “Hulk can’t remember.  Hulk pretty much live stream of consciousness.”  And Cage say, “So, what are you doing over the long weekend?” And Hulk say, “Hulk have to spend some quality time with Betty.  Betty been saying Hulk neglecting her since Hulk got Playstation II.  Hulk say, ‘Shut up Betty!  Hulk just jacked a really fly ride!  Hulk be gangsta king!’  And Betty say, ‘Hulk, turn off the damn videogame already!’ so Hulk and Betty going to wallpaper the bathroom.  And Cage say, “You did it again!  Sweet Christmas brother, can’t you keep things from degenerating into such a mess?  How are the readers supposed to figure this monster paragraph out anyhow?”  And Hulk say, “Hulk have to take a crap.  Cage leave now, and Hulk will talk to him later.”  And Cage say, “Whatever… chump.”  And Hulk say, “What you call Hulk?”  And Cage say, “Camp.”  And Hulk say, “Yeah, I catch you on the flipside G.” 

Hulk’s bathroom pretty much Hulk’s favorite place in the world.  When Hulk close the door, it like world cease to exist.  This because Mr. Fantastic build Hulk special bathroom that connect to negative zone.  Betty complain that Hulk’s turds smell like Bangladesh during a cheese festival and an outbreak of dysentery.  Hulk not think it so bad, but in bathroom Hulk alone with Hulk’s thoughts.  Betty want to put up some new wallpaper, and that OK with Hulk.  Hulk like to peel off wallpaper for munchies while crapping, and Hulk just about finished with old wallpaper.  Hulk sit and think while pooping, and think of ways to make world a better place for all people of all shades of green.  Hulk come up with great ideas, but most ruined when Hulk try and make them reality when people tell Hulk that SMASHING all the bad people actually mean Hulk have to kill upwards on thee billion people.  They say Hulk’s standards for “bad” way to broad, but Hulk pretty sure that being mean to Hulk makes you bad. 

Hulk try and carry out his Plan to Make World Better at hip coffee shop, and get into trouble.  Hulk just want Frapichino!  Hulk say, “You give Hulk Frapichino!”  And Puny Hipster say, “I’m sORy sir, but this isn’t Starbucks.  We call our Medium coffee a ‘Medium’, we call our employees ‘employees’ and we don’t serve ‘Frapichino’.”  Way he say “sorry” make Hulk feel like retard!  And he do “”air-quotes”” around Frapichino!  Hulk say, “Frapichino the BEST COFFEE DRINK THERE IS!  You not make air-quotes around Frapichino!”  And Puny Hipster say, “Well sir, we have our own frozen coffee drink you might try.”  And Hulk say, “It same thing as Frapachino?”  And Puny Hipster say, “Give it a try, sir”  And way he say “sir” make it sound exactly like “fucking douche-pie”, which is hard because “sir” much shorter than “fucking douche-pie”.  Hulk say, “OK, I’ll try it.”  And He say, “OK, that will be $4.32.”  And Hulk pay.  And Hulk wait.  And Puny Hipster finish conversation with other Puny Hipster.  And Hulk wait.  And finally Puny Hipster makes drink and hands to Hulk.  And Hulk say, “No whipped cream?”  And Puny Hipster says. “Huff.  Alright, give it here.”  And he not ever make nice little swirl!  He just squirt it everywhere!  He not respect the customer!   Hulk take drink and try it, and it NOT FRAPICHINO AT ALL!  It sweet, and soft of like coffee, but it not FRAPICHINO!  Hulk angry.  Hulk Angry.  Hulk Angry!  Hulk ANGRY!  Hulk scream, “What?  Hulk not have enough cool points to drink stupid hipster coffee?  You make Hulk wait and not even give Hulk whipped cream?  You think black frame glasses and retro sneakers enough to protect you from Hulk?  Hulk smash you, Atari tee-shirt and all!”  And Puny Hipster say, “Argh!  No!  You got blood… on… best…pair… fake… salvation army… jeans…” 

Hulk go to Starbucks where they appreciate good customer like Hulk!

Hulk say, Have good weekend, and kick a racist in the nutsack for Hulk!

-H 

 I've been reading your recent missives with some amusement, but I've grown alarmed at your incessant and obsessive commentary on your genitals, sexual prowess, and insatiable libido.  This disturbing trend hinges, of course, on the fact that, in your gamma-irradiated gigantic state, you [i]have no penis[/i].  At least none to speak of.

 
Now, Hulk, I've seen the pictures.  Big, giant, green man.  Tight, tight, tattered purple pants.  No crotch bulge whatsoever.  This is okay, though.  I want you to know that it's okay just being you, whatever endowments -- or lack thereof -- you may have.

 
This is something that I've been trying to work on with you for years now.  The causality is simple and straight-forward.  In your gigantic, green state, you obsess upon the capacity to destroy and lose the ability to create.  You become all Thanos and no Eros.  Your crushing fist swells the the size of a Volkswagen while your manhood withers on the vine.  It's a classic state of emotional and psychic imbalance resulting in the desire to destroy all that you can not have, and in your case that appears to be everything.  Though I'm relieved to say that I have had the good fortune of escaping your rather embarrassing condition, I still share a certain sympathy with your altered state.

I've said before, Hulk, there's always hope.  Fortunately, I have an opening in my office schedule Wednesdays at 3:00 PM.  As a friend, we can arrange a sliding scale if need be.  I look forward to seeing you soon.

- Dr. Leonard Samson[/QUOTE]

Haha!  Dr. Samson funny!  Hulk read Doc Samson Miniseries!  Hulk understand Doc Samson's jealous feelings for Hulk's pure green and giant manhood.  Hulk think Doc Samson not need to talk about other dude's junk when Hulk seen Doc in bright red unitard.  Green hair not a Hulk make!

Hulk decide Hulk pretty OK now and not need see Doc Samson anymore.  Hulk think Doc Samson not respect the process, and make crude sexual advances on Hulk while Hulk under hypnosis.  Hulk forgive Doc Samson because Hulk learning to Actualize Hulk's Vision of Hulk's Reality.  Hulk join program to Deprogram Negative Mind Software and Reboot Consciousness for Higher Self Actualization.  Program cost Hulk a lot, but Betty say "Hulk, you spent our savings on that beat up black van.  You remember the van?  The one you said was 'Hella Sweet' when you bought if off that twitchy guy with the skull on his tee-shirt?"  And Hulk say, "Hulk totally going to fix it, Betty!  Hulk practically Mr. Fix-it!  Hulk just waiting for parts to come in!"  And Betty say, "and is that a grenade launcher you're playing with?”  And Hulk say, “Came with van!  Hulk also find box of ears!”  And Betty say, “Oh gross!  I knew that guy was sketchy!”  And Hulk say, “He say he killed Charlie for Uncle Sam then lost his family.  Hulk wonder how you loose family?  Hulk never loose Betty!  Hulk now right where Betty is!”  And Betty say, “That’s because you follow me everywhere Hulk!  When I got those bad mussels at Red Lobster, you followed me into the toilet!  The other women were very surprised!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk worried about Betty!  Betty make sound like Mickey Rooney crapping down own throat!  Hulk worried about Betty!”  And Betty say, “Hulk smashed the stall!  Betty need her privacy sometimes!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk need privacy too sometimes.  Hulk like to look at porno movie, and Betty tell Hulk not to!”  And Betty say, “Hulk!  That isn’t porno!  Calendar Girls is a bittersweet uniquely British comedy!  Not a porno!”  And Hulk say, “Those old women get nasty!  Hulk pretty sure that make it porno!”  And Betty say, “Hulk…. JESUS!  HULK!  You frustrate the FUCK out of me!  You want to see porno?  You want to see real porno?  OK!  OK!  I’ll get you real porno!  Give me the keys to that FUCKING VAN!”  And Betty leave, and not come back for two hours. 

Betty come in and say, “Here you go Hulk!  Knock yourself out!”  And she hand Hulk big bag of DVD’s.  Hulk look, and see Urotsukidoji  and Best of Max Hardcore.  Hulk have porno!  Betty says, “I’m going out!  You just have your little fun.”  And Hulk watch porno.  Hulk watch porno for nine hours. 

You know feeling… like when the Leader uses dehydro-ray to suck out your insides?  Like when daemon fuck with your soul?  After nine hours of tentacles and buttholes, Hulk feeling… empty inside.  Betty come home and say, “How was that, Hulk?   Did you have fun with your porno? Tell Betty about it!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk not want to talk about it.  Hulk feel dirty.  Hulk not know anime girls do such things.  Hulk think anime girls all cute and nice or sassy like Faye.  Not…  with the…  tentacles… in…  And Hulk not like the real-people porn either.  Hulk feel like Bad Hulk.  Hulk like porno with good story and chemistry between actors!  Hulk like to see women treated with respect!  Hulk respect women!  Hulk not like to see porno men treat porno women so bad!  Hulk wonder why no one has broken pipes anymore!  No one call plumber!  Gardener not comer over to sexy housewife to help ‘trim her bush’ anymore!  There no tease at all!  It just ‘Hey, what your name?’ and then right up the butthole!  Hulk like the anal as much as the next Hulk, but Hulk pretty icked out by it now.  Hulk think Hulk need to read Bible or something to balance out karma.”  And She say, “That is how my dad made me quit smoking.  When he caught me doing it, he made me smoke a whole pack of unfiltered Camels in my room with the door closed.  Betty never smoke after that.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk never smoke!  What smoke have to do with Hulk’s bad porno adventure?  Hulk think Betty needs to shut the hell up!”  And Betty say, “Ungrateful green bastard!”  And Hulk say, “You no understand Hulk!  You think Hulk all big and green, but Hulk have feeling too!  Hulk feel ANGRY and hulk feel FURIOUS and sometimes Hulk feel SLEEPY!  Betty not understand Hulk’s emotional complexity!  Hulk love kitties and long walks on beach and easy listening hits!  Hulk not all SMASH!  Hulk sometimes just CRUSH!  Or MANGLE!  Or FRACTURE!  Hulk is MOST COMPLEX ONE THERE IS!”  And Betty say, “I’m sorry Hulk.  The porno was a dirty trick, and I’m sorry.”  And Hulk say, “Hulk and Betty have make-up sex now?”

See!  Hulk have full and healthy life with loving supportive partner!

Hulk BEST HUSBAND THERE IS!

-H

Dear Hulk,
From one green guy to another, I must say you look almost as stunning as I do.
However, I really hate yellow. It's gotten so bad that I find myself unable to deal with yellow stuff and become physically ill when I come into contact with something yellow.
Please help me.
-Your green friend Hal

Hulk wince at Hal’s pain!  Hulk hate to think how bad taking a whiz must be!  How you tell if you have VD if every pee you take painful and burning?  You only superhero get killed by eating yellow snow!  Hulk not die from yellow snow, but sure not happy with kids who tell Hulk it lemon flavor.  Hulk say, “Kid, Hulk Hungry!”  And kids say, “Hey… how about some lemon-snow!”  And Hulk say, “Hulk think Hulk remember something about yellow snow…”  And kid say, “Yeah… that it’s delicious!”  Hulk not want to feel stupid, so Hulk say, “Yeah!  That it!  Give Hulk two scoops!”  And Kid say, “Here you go, Mr. Hulk!”  And Hulk say, “You good polite little kid!  Kids today have no respect for the elders that could squish their bones to paste!”  And kid say, “Squish my what to what?”  And Hulk say, “Bones to paste!  Hulk SMASH anyone who trick Hulk, but kid really nice to Hulk.  Kid join Hulk Fan club!  Kid be a Hulk-Kateer!  You sing songs and wear T-shirt!  Hulk give kid Secret Decoder Ring!  Here you go!”  And kid say, “Whoa, is this a pair of brass knuckles?  What does it decode?”  And Hulk say, “It a magic ring!  You hit someone with it, and it make them say the Secret Word!”  And kid say, “What is secret word?”  And Hulk say, “ARGH!  OH JESUS< IT HURTS!”  And kid say, “Cool.  I’ll try it on my little brother.”  And Hulk say, “Thank you for the lemon-snow!”  And Kid say, “I hear my Mom, I have to go…”  And Hulk say, “Kid want to share lemon snow?”  And kid say, “No… I… gottago!  Cheese it!”  And so Hulk take big Hulk-size bite of lemon-snow.

Snow not lemon flavor at all.

When Hulk look around for kid, Hulk can’t find him.  Hulk pretty pissed off, so Hulk go to gym to work off anger in constructive way.  Puny Trainer at gym say, “So!  How much you bench?”  And Hulk say, “Too much.  Coach wouldn’t put Hulk in in big game, so Hulk didn’t get scholarship…” And He say, “Hulk!  You already made that joke in another post!  You need new material!  How much do you bench press?”  And Hulk say, “Oh!  Let Hulk check Marvel Databank… says Hulk can has ‘Class 100 strength and can lift/press in excess of 100 tons’ that pretty good, right?  Also say, when Hulk angry strength “Nearly Limitless.”  You piss Hulk off some more by standing too close, and Hulk get stronger.”  And He say, “Yeah… that pretty good.”  And Hulk say, “What Hulk do to get stronger?”  And he say, “Hulk a total fag!”  And Hulk say, “Argh!  Hulk furious!  Hulk despise use of slurs for race, gender, or sexual orientation!  Hulk SMASH!”  And he say, “Oh God!  My Body!  My carefully sculpted body!  Ruined…  just trying… to… motivate… Hulk…”  Hulk not work off ANY anger.  Hulk just get more pissed off.

Hulk decide to learn to love Hulk’s body the way it is and go have taco instead.

Hulk say you need more tacos for whatever your problem was.  Hulk forget.

-H

Herr Hulk,

I was... fighting a woman the other day, and I got so excited I...
teleported before she was... defeated.  This seems to be common for
me.  I think I suffer from premature teleporation.  Please help.

-Herr Wagner

Hulk never have problem with premature anything.  Hulk go all night like industrial license-pate stamping machine.  Your problem related to inferiority complex.  Why you teleport before you satisfy woman?  You think you suck.  Hulk think you need to do Hulk’s Five Steps of Confidence Building:

1)       Look in mirror and say, “You the best!  You the Mack-daddy!  All the chicks want your man-beef!”  Do this every day for a week. 

2)       Try talking to chicks without trying to score with them.  I know!  This hard for Hulk!  Hulk have really hard time because Hulk’s sexual magnetism too powerful.  But make special effort.  When girl ask you question, you answer back without any sexy talk.  If girl say, “Would you like to Biggie Size that?” You don’t say, “Your hot little rack just made Hulk’s junk Biggie Sized!”  Instead you say, “Hulk would like that, yes please.” 

3)        Get in fights with smaller people.  Hulk never get enough of this.  You kick the shit out of people smaller than you, and you start to feel big.  This easy for Hulk!  Hulk kick the shit out of anyone!  But for Puny Wagner, you only kick the shit out of little people . Find the midgets that played Ewoks and kick the shit out of them.  Ewoks piss Hulk off anyway.  How they climb trees with those stubby fingers?  Ewok arms too short to wipe asses!  Hulk get into trouble when Hulk not wipe ass, and Hulk don’t even have much hair down there!  Imagine Harry shitty Ewok asses!  They be easy to kick the shit out of- the shit already stuck in the fur!

4)       Dress to Impress says Hulk.  Never leave the house without good pair of purple pants.  Good purple pants make you feel like the Strongest One There Is, and chicks can sense it.  When you sense the chicks sensing it, you get Confident.  Hulk walk down the street and every chick he pass check out his budging purple package.  Let Hulk tell you, that feels good!

5)       If all else fails, think about getting hummer from Modok.  Modok nothing but freaky flying head with little spindly arms.  Getting Hulk’s knob nibbled by Modok’s enough to make Hulk’s Mighty Man Missile shrink up and cry for mercy.  You think of Modok, and you last for hours.  Here is visual aid for #5:

Follow Hulk’s Five Steps, and you last longer with chicks!

-H